Taking care of GUO HUAI for Dummies
by Insertmanyfandomshere
Summary: A manual for the GUO HUAI unit.


**Introduction**

**Oh? You skipped the pretty boys? I've never thought I would ever need to capture the GUO HUAI unit since... he's... not... in... many... fangirls'... tastes... Let's just get to this, shall we? This unit was one of the greatest generals in Wei, but got the poop stick from Koei. (Sima Yi got the clean side.) But hey, he has a frickin' gun. Do you know how f***ing awesome that is? The real Guo Huai 'ougta be rubbing it in to Sima Yi and Zhang He's faces in Chinese Heaven/Hell/Purgatory. Wherever they go when they die. **

* * *

**Comes with...**

**One (1) hat thing**

**One (1) big-ass cannon/gun (Its name is Sasha.)**

**Seven (7) robes (I have nothing funny to say about his clothes. They're actually normal.)**

**Two (2) pairs of shoes**

**Twenty (20) packages of Zhang Chunhua's unknown random substances "medicinal" tea (His tastes buds are dead, so it doesn't make him puke.)**

**IN-FI-NITE ****(**∞ **) AM-MO****  
**

**Basic Information**

**Name: Guo Huai **

**Gender: Male **

**Place of Manufacture: (Okay, we all know these guys ALL came from China. Sukaku, remove this too.)**

**Other names: Gunman (I called him this once... twice... more than that...), guy that coughs a lot, Dracula, Sima Yi if he were sickly (I don't call him that, but I remember someone saying that last one.)**

**Famous for: Being a badass general**

**Spouse(s): Wang Ling's sister**

**Children: Five sons (I forgot their names.)**

**Appearance: Advance Jia Chong's face by 30 years **

**Build: Very very skinny (His ribs are sticking out.)**

**Age: N/A (Maybe about a few years younger than Sima Yi?)**

**Striking Features: Very pale, ribs are very visible, somehow able to pick a possibly 200-pound gun in his condition**

**Height: 5'9 **

**Quirks: Tends to cough a lot**

* * *

**Instructions**

**I actually felt bad when getting him, so I decided to add airholes to his box. When you open the box, the cannon has a 95% chance of popping out of there and shooting you in the face or at least leaving you with a ring-shaped bruise. The GUO HUAI unit tends to get startled by sudden movement. He should get out at his own pace. If not, you've placed the box on the wrong side.**

**Care**

**I don't think he'll be happy with you to be invading his privacy, especially in the bathroom. He's not picky about food, but stay away from processed stuff. You're not honestly thinking about GUO HUAI sleep on the ground, are you? Are you? Always keep medicine around.**

**How to keep your GUO HUAI unit Happy**

**Just be nice to each other and you should be good friends. If not, he'll shoot your ass. For entertainment, he likes a good book or he'll try to keep an open mind about your country's way of fun. **

**If you live near a shooting range-Ah, you know what's coming next!**

**The GUO HUAI unit will leave you or disobey you if the following happens...**

**Just be a total ass**

**Have a XIAHOU YUAN unit**

**Have a SIMA YI unit**

**(But you shouldn't really worry about it if you two are really good friends and get along.)**

**Precautions**

**He coughs a lot, but you won't get sick since it's pixelated. But let's face it, no one likes to be in range of a coughing person.**

**THE. GUN. KEEP. YOUR. HANDS. OFF. You'll blow off something if you're not careful if not Guo Huai is not already attempting to kill you.**

* * *

**Special skills**

**-Fluent in Chinese**

**-Can be your Sniper in Team Fortress-(SUZAKU! WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR THING WITH TF2!)**

**-Can be your sniper in Call of-*completely scribbled out* (Suzaku, we shall not mention that sack of poo-poo along with Guo Huai. He's too good for that sack of poo-poo. And we're Koei, we cannot let people know about that or we'll go bankrupt!)**

**-Bodyguard *Sort of* (That gun's not for cosplay, you know. Though it could be...) *May cause injury or death to public* **

**-Could be a decent tutor (He works with Sima Yi, the biggest nerd here. It's sort of possible he might have gotten a few things from him.) **

**-Shooting instructor**

**Romancing**

**Females: If you're into that... sure...**

**Males: If you're into that...I don't know...**

**Interactions**

**SIMA YI: Serves him. GUO HUAI coughs in his face when he is sleeping when he is being an asshole.**

**SIMA SHI: Serves him. Shot his other eye.**

**SIMA ZHAO: Serves him. "Accidentally" shot him.**

**ZHANG CHUNHUA: His drug dealer-I mean-medicine provider. I found a fanfiction where the two had an affair behind Sima Yi's back. I'm dead serious here. (I didn't read it, just the little summary.) No seriously, look it up here.**

**DENG AI: They are both part of SIMA YI'S group. They look out for each other.**

**JIANG WEI: In ROTK, he killed GUO HUAI. History, no.**

**XIAHOU YUAN: Has a very strange obsession with him.**

**XIAHOU BA: See XIAHOU YUAN.**

**FAQ'S**

_**Does a little Nyquil help**** him?**_

**It surprisingly works. **

_**Why is he not coughing?**_

**When you ask it that way, you're making this seem like a bad thing.**

_**He looks like he's on meth!**_

**(Zhang Chunhua must be making meth on the side, I guess. Ah, what am I thinking? There's no way-Maybe.) I have no idea where you're getting this idea from. He looks fine for a guy who has tuberculosis for two years.**

_**Why does his cannon have a name?**_

**Why does Sima Yi continue to wear his stupid hats? Exactly.**


End file.
